going back home was a long delayed matter
because I had nothing to bring back,
as in no news, no stories to tell,
no girlfriend and no money
and then it had been long enough,
the truth was known
and so that was the news:
the news is there are no news
no stories to tell,
and I haven't seen Amy
in a very long time now,
no money whatsoever
years ago, out of who knows what stupid
angry unclear reasons
I set this riot loose inside
and my grips I can tell no more
this moody and grim person I become,
a loner, barely going out
I sit in front of the tv
no questions asked
so going for the long delayed task
I was exposing what was left
of my alcohol drenched guts
and my stench was all over the road
when they opened the door and looked at me with pity
but then it was just sheer shame
what-have-we-done-wrong
my mother cried
you wasted your education
you wasted your life
is this how you show gratitude
to this family?
no mom, I don't have a girlfriend
and I wouldn't have asked you to wire cash, dad,
if I had a real job; it's just me here, at home,
defeated
there was no welcome dinner
but I stayed for the night
mom sat with me at the table
for breakfast the next day
the cold autumn breeze smelled like pancakes
and I had shaved and felt I had never left
mom gave me a kiss and poured some coffee
the kitchen door was open
maybe I hadn't woke up yet
there was something glowing outside
I sat and felt at peace
toast was burning
and still, there she was standing with lost eyes
early that sunday morning
isn't it sad, she said, have you read the paper?
and I was delighted to look at her into the eyes again
there is no welcome dinner for the son defeated
but mom will always
give you breakfast
and a kiss, I thought
I ruled out staying
not out of pride
because I lost all of it years ago
out of who knows what stupid angry reasons
it didn't work out the way I wanted
it just didn't
so spare the harsh words
you could tell right from the start
I was not the brilliant child you always wanted
I'm still trying to come to terms with myself
and you always knew
I was not the kind of child you wanted
ron kenan (Colchester, VT, 1972)
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